Guest Writer Spotlight: Never put a feral hamster in a Yeti cup and try wearing a floor mat as a tube top.
Adapted from Facebook, with permission.
People often say I lead the most colorful and interesting life, but I really just don’t see it. Usually.
So, the other day I had just picked my dog Molly up from the vet and we were heading home as the sun was setting when I happened to stop at a red light.
Stuck in typical Sugar Land traffic, I was just sitting there waiting for the light to change, when all of a sudden I saw some small creature run in front of my Jeep before it just stopped directly in front of me.
I couldn’t tell if it was a rat or kitten or baby something and I didn’t want it to get smushed, so I put my Jeep in park and got out real quick to see what it was.
When I got closer, I saw it was a hamster! Yes, a wild hamster! And it was just frozen in fear in front of my headlights on University Blvd.
It wasn’t moving so I grabbed it by its tiny little scruff and carried it to my jeep – with zero plan of what to do with it.
It still wasn’t moving and my dog was still groggy and asleep in the backseat, so the only thing I could think of was to just stick it in my empty 32 oz Yeti cup and put the lid on it.
Once the light turned green and I hit the gas all hell literally broke loose!
The feral little creature suddenly woke up, pushed the lid off my drink cup and leaped straight up and out of it!
Clearly terrified, it was straddling my air vent, at which time my dog decided to wake up.
My dog instantly realized an unknown furry creature had invaded her domain and she immediately lunged at it from the back seat – growling, snapping and snarling, which in turn transformed the cute little hamster into a cracked-out, bouncing ball of fur and teeth running all over the inside of my Jeep with my dog losing her mind trying to catch it!
I screamed and tried to push my dog off, all the while the hamster was bouncing and flying all over the Jeep, with my dog in a manic frenzy trying to catch it!
I swerved sharply to the right, hopped the curb and parked between two trees on the side of the busy road with my hazards on.
The once cute, but now completely insane hamster was nowhere to be seen – so I got my dog calmed down and back in the back seat, at which time the tiny ball of demon spawn jumped from the floorboard onto the passenger seat.
When I tried to grab the furry beast, it tried to bite me then proceeded to scramble up my arm where it jumped and landed – spread eagle – on my chest.
I was frozen in fear and all I could see in the light of the passing cars was its beady little eyes, just ready to pounce on my face or take out my carotid artery at any given moment!
So there I was, with one hand fighting off my crazed dog, ready to be mauled to death by a tiny, feral hamster. My other hand did the only thing I could think of and grabbed the back of my shirt and yanked my top off over my head – trapping the extremely aggressive and pissed off hamster – and rolled him up in my shirt.
I quickly knotted the end of my shirt and threw it on my dashboard so the dog couldn’t get it.
So, I was now sitting in my Jeep in just my bra on the side of a busy road, with cars flying past and I am trying to figure what the hell to do next when things just got worse.
I was trying to get my Kendra Scott necklace – which got pulled upwards when I yanked my shirt off – untangled from my hair. The necklace was left hanging from one ear and the pendant was dangling off my forehead like a ghetto gypsy ren-faire tiara when I suddenly saw a white SUV hop the curb and pull up on the other side of the tree beside me.
Still fighting with my necklace and trying to control my dog, the next thing I saw was red and blue flashing lights.
CRAP! Could this get any worse or any more bizarre?
Still in just my bra I quickly grabbed the only thing I could reach, which happened to be a “Stormtrooper” themed floor mat off the passenger floorboard and wrapped it around me, just as an undercover cop walked cautiously up to my window.
I rolled the window down – still wrapped in my Jeep’s floor mat – with my necklace hanging off my face, a snarling, seemingly vicious dog in the back and a zombie/demon hamster wearing my shirt on my dash.
Pointing his flashlight in my face and eyeing me suspiciously the cop hesitated, as if not sure how to respond to the bizarre scene in front of him.
Cop: “Ma’am, are you OK? What the hell is going on here? Is that a floor mat? Where is your shirt?”
I was so flustered by that point I couldn’t even use words, so I just pointed towards the ball of wadded up fabric and furry death sitting on my dash.
The cop then made the mistake of shining his bright light towards the dash and apparently that was like a beacon and indication for the hamster to once again lose its mind and it started bouncing, with its enormous, fanged teeth gnashing and chomping all over the dash – all while still wrapped up in a ball in my shirt.
Sensing imminent death, the cop instantly freaked out and jumped back – instinctively putting his hand on his gun and yelled, “What the (expletive) is that???”
I yelled back, “It’s a hamster and it’s pissed as hell!”
Not trained for dealing with demon spawn feral hamsters, the poor cop clearly had no idea what to say or do. He was just staring at me and looking terrified at the tumbling, jumping and bouncing shirt-wrapped ball of fur.
I proceeded to tell him what happened and asked if he had any kind of box or bin in his patrol vehicle to put this creature of death inside of, so I could get my shirt back on instead of the Stormtrooper floor mat I was wearing.
He was like, “Hold On,” and quickly pulled his jacket off and handed it to me before walking – no, running – back towards his SUV.
I quickly dropped my improvised floor mat shirt, put his jacket on, ripped my necklace off my face and hopped out of my Jeep.
Mind you, my dog was still losing her mind and going insane from the back seat.
I hurried to the officer’s car while cautiously holding my shirt containing the hamster safely at arms length away from me.
Together we found a box with a first-aid kit and emptied it out. Then we both get into the back of his SUV, away from my snarling and snapping dog and proceeded to wrangle the extremely pissed off hamster from my shirt and into the box.
Once contained, the officer called animal control to come out and I went back to my Jeep where I put my shirt – that was by then covered in rodent holes and claw marks – back on.
Only now, with my winter-white skin shining through all the little holes, I looked like a damn Lite Brite walking back to the officer’s car while carrying my bottle of Xanax and asking him for anything to drink before I had a full-on meltdown.
The officer gave me his water and I sat in his car until I could calm down.
Animal control eventually showed up with a cage and put the hamster, first aid box and all, into the cage.
Once the immediate threat had been neutralized the cop said with a huge smile, “You KNOW I am posting this to Facebook right?”
I was finally able to laugh and said, “Welcome to my daily life!”
The officer blocked traffic so I could pull off the grass and get back on the street.
All ended well and I made it home safely – thankfully, hamster free.
Needless to say, it was one more example of how no good deed ever goes unpunished!
The lesson for the day? Never put a feral hamster in a Yeti cup and try wearing a floor mat as a tube top.
Meet the writer: Tanya was born and raised in Baytown and now lives in Fulshear, Texas.
She works as a Marketing Coordinator and Social Media Coordinator at Sugar Land Veterinary Specialists and Emergency Care – which she affectionately refers to as her home away from home.
She has four “fur babies,” including a 3-legged Spitz mix named Mia, an Italian Greyhound named Bella, a Shih Tzu named Maddie and a poodle/schnauzer mix named Molly. All four are rescues.
When she is not working or wrangling feral hamsters off busy highways, Tanya – who refers to herself as a longtime “Whovian” and “Sci-Fi Nerd,” loves cosplay and dressing up at comic book conventions and ren-faires, collecting action figures, real and prop-replica weapons, as well as reading and watching Japanese horror films.
As a below-knee amputee, Tanya is also a mentor with the American Amputee Society and the Houston Amputee Society.
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Trevor Montgomery, who recently moved from Riverside County to Shasta County, runs Riverside County News Source and Shasta County News Source. Additionally, he writes for Riverside County based newspapers Valley News, The Valley Chronicle and Anza Valley Outlook as well as Bonsall/Fallbrook Village News in San Diego County.
Trevor spent 10 years in the U.S. Army as an Orthopedic Specialist before joining the Riverside County Sheriff’s Department in 1998. He was medically retired after losing his leg, breaking his back and suffering both spinal cord and brain injuries in an off-duty accident.
During his time with the sheriff’s department, Trevor worked at several different stations, including Robert Presley Detention Center, Southwest Station in Temecula, Hemet/Valle Vista Station, Ben Clark Public Safety Training Center and Lake Elsinore Station, along with other locations.
Trevor’s assignments included Corrections, Patrol, DUI Enforcement, Boat and Personal Water-Craft based Lake Patrol, Off-Road Vehicle Enforcement, Problem Oriented Policing Team and Personnel/Background Investigations. He finished his career while working as a Sex Crimes and Child Abuse Investigator and was a court-designated expert in child abuse and child sex-related crimes.
Trevor has been married for more than 27 years and was a foster parent to more than 60 children over 13 years. He is now an adoptive parent and has 13 children and 14 grandchildren.